Everything to lose

i'm someone like that. i've a lot to put on stake. It's deemed all too entirely impossible for me to brave change. Especially if one's that drastic.

Deep down i sighed and sighed. Perhaps thousands if not dozens of counts on the times i sighed.

If only it happened the event when there's nothing i've got to lose. i'd give up everything i have had; which includes shedding my identity and all comforts of life i've somewhat built along the years or had bestowed upon. i'd retreat to somewhere afar. Faraway and distant from all sources of influences. And in exchange with nothing. Nothing at all, in fact, but except for the will and mind which the mind thinks it ultimately has nothing to lose. And then, armed with fearlessness, one goes all out to after its dream. i envy of such minds.

Sayings spoke of life's rather about creation but self-discovery. And i often find myself lost in midst of achieving the latter, sometimes accompanied with hope that enlightment will be gained. Alas, to no avail. Too often i fell and my spirit sore. Too broken. It yearned and yearned of something that one finds apprehensive of desiring.

Who are the people that would tell me these are the fine instincts i'm born with?

Ok, i think i'll prolly never gonna say this in the face of anyone, especially to my family members because they are so gonna diss me right in the face. But i really really think that i should dissolve from the crowd and into solitude. Perhaps to learn piano and study arts and music from scratch even tho i'm apparently way too old now. Cough Cough. Whatever that i'm gonna do i don't care where it will lead me as long as it's what i truly fancy. :D

Still, i think i'm an arts person even though the flair within me has withered and long died, soon unrecoverable, as each passage of time bleaches it gently, and little by little.

i wrote this anyway because i know i'll have no guts to pursue what i think is right for me. HAHA. i doubt myself too much and i've always accepted what's being decided by others for me.

i think now i know why my childhood cartoon hero is Courage the Cowardly Dog. LOL. What a way to acknowledge oneself's biggest regret. i suppose there's no harm to rant on something once in a while? :D